“Prove that you’re not a camel”: how to talk with loved ones about ASD and ADHD without guilt
How to explain to your loved ones that an Autism and ADHD diagnosis is not an excuse?
Receiving a diagnosis in adulthood often brings incredible relief: “At last, I know what’s going on with me!”. But the joy of recognition often crashes against a wall of misunderstanding from those close to you.
Phrases like “We’re all a little autistic”, “It’s fashionable now to make up diagnoses” or the classic “You just need to try harder” invalidate your experience and cause pain. Unlike depression, which society has gradually begun to recognize as an illness, neurodivergence is still often perceived as a “bad character” trait or laziness.
Here are 5 critically important points to consider before this difficult conversation:
1. Invisible effort and the battery metaphor 🔋
From the outside, it may look like we are procrastinating or “being difficult” when we complain about light and sounds. The truth is that we spend a colossal amount of energy simply to function at a basic level.
Battery metaphor: Imagine that an ordinary person has a charge of 100 units, while a neurodivergent person has only 12. Where someone else spends 1 unit on going to the store, you spend 6. As a result, there is simply no energy left for “socially approved activity.” What looks like laziness is actually total exhaustion.
2. A long journey and loved ones’ fatigue
Many people arrive at the correct diagnosis after years of treatment for anxiety, depression, or BPD. Your loved ones have gone through this journey with you. Often they invalidate your new diagnosis not out of malice, but because they have grown tired of hoping and are afraid of yet another disappointment.
- What to do: Explain that the diagnosis is not a “new label,” but the key to properly adapting your life and selecting the right medication therapy.
3. This is not a “license for idleness”
Loved ones may fear that a diagnosis will become permission to “give up.” It is important to say directly:
“I got a diagnosis not to justify the mess. I’m trying to understand how I work so I can stop burning out and make my life (and our communication) better.”
4. What if the wall is impenetrable? 🧱
You can only talk to someone who wants to hear. If the response is gaslighting and comparisons (“but others put up with it!”), remember: someone else’s pain does not cancel out yours. You are not obligated to prove your right to a diagnosis.
If the conversation turns into an argument, use protective techniques:
- The “Grey Rock” method: respond briefly (“Uh-huh,” “I see”), do not engage emotionally. Without your “fuel,” the conflict will quickly die down.
- Shield phrase: “I’m sharing this so that we can understand each other better. If you’re not ready to accept it right now, let’s close the topic.”
5. Impostor syndrome: “What if I’m pretending?” 🎭
If you have spent years masking (using masking), it will seem like you are deceiving everyone. But remember: if you are “coping” in public at the cost of migraines and burnout at home, you are paying too high a price. Your facade is not more important than your health.
You are not alone. Seek support in neurodivergent communities and from informed specialists. It is important to understand: there are people on this earth who understand you without extra words.
#neurodivergence #AuDHD #ASD #ADHD #psychology #boundaries #masking