Masking
“But I’m coping. Maybe I’m making it all up?”
Last time we talked about imposter syndrome in diagnosis — the feeling that you’re not “neurodifferent enough.” That others have it worse. That you just want to latch onto a trendy diagnosis.
So. There is a specific reason why this feeling is so convincing.
MASKING. And you’ve been playing the role of normal for years.
Masking is when we hide our neurodivergent traits in order to fit in. We people-please, ignore our own needs, constantly monitor the moods of those around us. We do it automatically from childhood, and sometimes so well that we start believing it ourselves.
I always tried to be the fun one in a group, the ringleader, the bravest one. Always ready to sympathize, support, make people laugh. And then I’d come home and wonder why I had no energy or desire to leave the house. 🥲
It’s years of performing the role of a normal person that create this feeling. You’re coping because you learned how to cope. That does not mean you don’t need help.
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Masking is three strategies at once
📖 Assimilation — copying other people’s behavior to blend into the background.
We memorize lines from TV shows because we can’t find our own “right” words. We make eye contact even though it’s stressful. We imitate smiles and sympathy regardless of what we actually feel. We nod “yes, I understand” while not understanding at all, but we already nodded.
With ADHD, this often looks like hyperactive sociability: we talk, joke, fill pauses — anything so it won’t show that inside there’s chaos and the thread of the conversation was lost three minutes ago.
📖 Compensation — inventing our own scripts and systems.
We mentally rehearse a conversation before a meeting. We come up with rules: “if a person says X — reply Y.” We always say yes because explaining why no is too complicated and scary.
With ADHD, this also includes masking forgetfulness: endless reminders, double-checking, systems on top of systems — anything so no one notices that we’ve lost the keys again and didn’t finish reading the email to the end.
📖 Masking — hiding what definitely doesn’t fit in.
We suppress stimming, endure the unpleasant sound of a hammer drill behind the wall or a fluorescent lamp that buzzes, hide our fatigue, say “everything’s fine” when it definitely hasn’t been for a long time.
With ADHD — we hold back impulsivity, suppress the urge to interrupt, pretend we’re listening when the brain has long since flown off to another galaxy 🌝
And on top of everything — hypervigilance. Constant monitoring of other people’s moods in order to “correct” ourselves in time. A background program that devours resources around the clock — even when it seems like we’re just sitting and chatting.
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What to do with this? It depends on which strategy you use more
To figure this out, you can take the CAT-Q questionnaire (https://psytests.org/diag/catq.html). This is a validated questionnaire that measures masking separately across these three scales.
📖High assimilation? That means a lot of energy goes into observing and copying. It can be helpful to start noticing in the moment: is this reaction mine or learned? For example, you notice that you’re laughing at a joke and ask yourself: is it actually funny to me, or am I just mirroring?
📖High compensation? That means a very complex adaptation system has been built internally. But sometimes you can find an environment or people where some of those complicated scripts simply aren’t needed. Places where you can say “I didn’t understand, explain it again” and not get a side-eye, or instead of straining to remember everything that was said during a work call (when you don’t remember well by ear), use audio transcription and a short summary through a suitable app.
📖High masking? That means a lot is being suppressed physically and sensorily. The first step is to find at least one place and one person where you don’t have to hide. At home, alone, with one safe person. Rock if you need to rock. Don’t reply to messages if you don’t have the energy. Find out who you really are.
Feel free to share your results in the comments ❤
#diagnostics