Since early childhood, I never felt like part of a group. Kindergarten, school, college, university, work ā the scenario was always the same: I could be either a leader or an outcast. There was no middle ground.
š Childhood: āA World with Incomprehensible Rulesā
In kindergarten, I lasted only a couple of months ā I started running away and getting sick all the time. I genuinely didnāt understand:
- Why are children cruel?
- Why do they laugh at me?
- By what rules does this world exist, the one I just canāt fit into?
It was easier for me to be friends with boys ā their direct communication style seemed understandable. At school, they called me a ānerdā and a ātomboy.ā I often said what I thought and didnāt understand why my parents scolded me. I simply didnāt realize that I could sound rude or immodest.
I got āhit backā for honesty from everyone: from parents, peers, and teachers.
š Masking as a Way to Survive
Sooner or later, I realized: there were some invisible and constantly changing rules. The only way to survive was to memorize them.
- What am I supposed to say in this situation?
- What facial expression are they expecting right now?
- What emotion am I supposed to portray?
Thatās how my mimicry began. I played roles: the obedient straight-A girl + the class clown who knew all the jokes by heart. It was unbearably hard.
The cost of masking: From age 12, panic attacks, back pain, and chest pain began. Any change in routine caused paralyzing anxiety.
š® The Only Escape
I could relax only when alone: a game console, songs, or books. Who else had a collection of āI Explore the Worldā encyclopedias? āļø
At 14, I discovered a āmagic potionā ā alcohol. It gave me the relaxation I wouldnāt even dare dream of. I became sociable and easygoing. Naturally, later this turned into addiction ā because alcohol was never a solution to the problem, it was only anesthesia.
š Adult Life: Burnout and Depression
Work became a new circle of hell. I didnāt understand why I couldnāt handle a normal eight-hour workday.
- Constant tension and a āsmiling face.ā
- Noise, bright light, no possibility of being alone.
- Unwillingness to pretend to be loyal and stay silent about problems.
All of this quickly led to burnout and layoffs. By the age of 30, I had fallen into a real depression with apathy and anhedonia. I didnāt understand what was wrong with me.
š²šŖ Montenegro and the Point of No Return
Even moving to the sea didnāt help. I hit rock bottom: insomnia, endless tears, and no desire to get out of bed, despite sunsets being a 5-minute walk away.
I realized: either I find the root of the problem and rebuild my life from scratch, or... (trigger warning) go out the window.
āØ Finale: When the Puzzle Came Together
The path to diagnosis took years: cycles of depression, psychiatrists, psychologists, studying. And only a year and a half ago, I got the answer: ASD and ADHD.
The diagnosis put all the missing pieces in their places. I felt incredible relief.
- I am not ābroken.ā
- I am not ābad.ā
- Everything that happened in my life finally made sense.
It didnāt fix all the difficulties in an instant. But I finally stopped ferociously criticizing myself for who I am and demanding that I be different. It was painful, but necessary.
It helped me burn out less, find work where I feel meaning, and people who understand me.
And if you, too, are in some similar state right now ā lost, anxious, burned out, not understanding what is wrong with you and why you just canāt cope anymore ā then know that you are not alone in this. And there is always an opportunity to make your life better š
And I want to help you avoid making my mistakes, avoid remaking yourself, get diagnosed as early as possible, and make your life more comfortable.
#experience @looking_dopamine #asd #adhd #neurodivergence #depression #masking