MY JOURNEY TO A DIAGNOSIS: WHY THE PIECES ONLY FELL INTO PLACE AT 30 🧩
Since early childhood, I never felt like part of a group. Kindergarten, school, college, university, work — the script was always the same: I could be either a leader or an outcast. There was no middle ground.
🎒 Childhood: “A World with Unclear Rules”
I lasted only a couple of months in kindergarten — I started running away and was constantly getting sick. I genuinely didn’t understand:
- Why are children cruel?
- Why do they laugh at me?
- By what rules does this world exist, the one I just can’t fit into?
It was easier for me to be friends with boys — their direct style of communication felt understandable. At school, they called me a “swot” and a “tomboy.” I often said what I thought and didn’t understand why my parents scolded me. I simply didn’t realize that I could sound rude or immodest.
For honesty, I got “hit” from everyone: parents, peers, and teachers.
🎭 Masking as a Way to Survive
Sooner or later, I realized: there were some invisible and constantly changing rules. The only way to survive was to memorize them.
- What am I supposed to say in this situation?
- What facial expression are they expecting right now?
- What emotion am I supposed to portray?
That’s how my mimicry began. I played roles: the obedient straight-A girl + the class clown who knew all the jokes by heart. It was unbearably hard.
The price of masking: From the age of 12, panic attacks, back pain, and chest pain began. Any change in routine caused paralyzing anxiety.
🎮 The Only Relief
I could relax only when I was alone: a game console, songs, or books. Who else had a collection of the “I Discover the World” encyclopedias? ✌️
At 14, I discovered a “magic potion” — alcohol. It gave me the relaxation I didn’t dare dream of. I became sociable and easygoing. Naturally, later this turned into an addiction — because alcohol was never a solution to the problem, it was only anesthesia.
📉 Adult Life: Burnout and Depression
Work became a new circle of hell. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t endure a normal eight-hour workday.
- Constant tension and a “smiling face.”
- Noise, bright light, and the impossibility of being alone.
- Unwillingness to pretend to be loyal and stay silent about problems.
All of this quickly led to burnout and resignations. By the age of 30, I fell into a real depression with apathy and anhedonia. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me.
🇲🇪 Montenegro and the Point of No Return
Even moving to the seaside didn’t help. I hit rock bottom: insomnia, endless tears, and no desire to get out of bed, despite sunsets being a 5-minute walk away.
I realized: either I find the root of the problem and rebuild my life from scratch, or... (trigger warning) jump out the window.
✨ Finale: When the Puzzle Came Together
The path to diagnosis took years: cycles of depression, psychiatrists, psychologists, studying. And only a year and a half ago did I get the answer: ASD and ADHD.
The diagnosis put all the missing pieces in their places. I felt incredible relief.
- I’m not “broken.”
- I’m not “bad.”
- Everything that happened in my life finally made sense.
It didn’t fix all the difficulties in an instant. But I finally stopped viciously criticizing myself for who I am and demanding that I be different. It was painful, but necessary.
It helped me burn out less, find work in which I feel meaning, and people who understand me.
And if you, too, are now in a similar state — lost, anxious, burned out, not understanding what is wrong with you and why you just can’t cope anymore — know that you are not alone in this. And there is always a possibility to make your life better 🙏
And I want to help you avoid making my mistakes, avoid remaking yourself, get diagnosed as early as possible, and make your life more comfortable.
#experience @looking_dopamine #asd #adhd #neurodivergence #depression #masking